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Dried fruit loop

Updated: Sep 23, 2018

I began the long trek down the dried fruit aisle.

“Hey! You used to work here, didn’t you?”

Excuse me?” I turned to see a man in his fifties, maybe sixties, possibly with missing teeth and definitely with missing information waving a packet of apricots in the air and gesticulating in my direction.

I can understand why he’d assume this. I’ve worked in a lot of places. I pondered his question for a moment. Had I worked here before? I’d have kept the name tag and worn it for pure amusement, or at least that’s what I considered with my Selfridges badge. With great power, though, comes great responsibility, like knowing the precise location of guacamole. Probably not.

Nicole Scherzinger
Nicole Scherzinger: didn’t work here

He was looking expectantly at me. He was the type you’d avoid on the bus but sort of feel sorry for all the same. I should point out he was, in fact, a member of staff. Surely he’d know I never actually worked there?

“Yeah! You used to work here!”

This was getting weird. I thought about agreeing and suggesting a trip down memory lane, or in this case the dried fruit aisle, while we reminisced about our time together at Tesco. I’d laugh encouragingly at his stories and maybe make a few up myself. I had a feeling this guy believed anything. “Remember when I threw you that Hovis loaf and it knocked that man off his scooter? Good times!” “How about the day you gave out biscuit samples that were actually for dogs? What a hoot!”

“Sorry, you must have me confused with someone else.” There, that should do it.

“No – you used to work here!”

At this point he was so animated I feared for the apricots. I hadn’t worked there but started to wish I did. I bet he was a right talking point in the staff room. Either way, I really needed tinned cherries.

“Sorry, I didn’t. Anyway, got to go!” And with one swift move, I counteracted his fruitless attempts with my own as I grabbed the cherries and ran victorious from a man who now definitely ensured me I'd never work there – or, at the very least, avoid the dried fruit aisle.. there's some right nuts.

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