The Weird & Wonderless

Slippery soap opera

“So Madge spoke to Harold…” Neighbours. Always about The Neighbours. My friend Sarah is attempting to explain her Great Analogy on...

Oxford Circus clown

There’s a furniture shop on the high street where I grew up that I’m not sure is a furniture shop at all. In all the years of me passing...

Air con artist

‘I am the manager of this hotel!’ We are sitting opposite the manager of the hotel. ‘We arrived back last night to find we had no air...

Dried fruit loop

I began the long trek down the dried fruit aisle. “Hey! You used to work here, didn’t you?” “Excuse me?” I turned to see a man in his...

Yellow mellowed

I always feel a bit queasy at commercialism’s attempts to associate itself with anything other than money. Take all adverts, for example....

Kindle-itis

Oh, it was everywhere this Christmas. Everyone caught it. You couldn’t avoid it. You’d stand next to someone who had it, trying to resist...

Christmas cracked

‘Christmas Day is an annual commemoration of the birth of Jesus Christ’. So why, Wikipedia, does Jesus think I need a plastic harmonica?...

Blegging for it

First day of new job. Panic! What to wear? Must buy outfit. Off to shopping centre. Go! Where to? Ahh – the green lights. It must be M&S....

Colgate-gate

When High Street chemist Boots opened its doors in 1849, it was a modest, quietly confident sort of place attracting well-dressed...

Irritation of life

Look at this man. I challenge you to find someone half as attractive post 1959. You will lose – it’s written all over his face. This...

Blessed fortune

There are few things in life more bizarre than Brian Blessed’s appearance on All-Star Family Fortunes. The game show format has become so...

Ashes to bashes

Forgive my black humour but it is not often I pick up The Metro and come away ironically cheerful. Yesterday proved the exception. So...